Shake It Out
by Nelopee
Summary: One night, Cullen is lost in his dark thoughts. He wonders if he should leave Hell on Wheels or not. Will the soft appearance of Lily take away all his doubts? One Shot. During season 2.


**Hi everyone! This is my first story. A modest tribute to this amazing serie and my OTP, Cullen Bohannon/Lily Bell. I felt the need to write it down after seeing the last episodes of season 2.**

**I find that the beautiful song "Shake It Out" by Florence goes well with it. I really, really appreciate any kind of reviews!**

**I also apologize for potential grammar's mistakes here. English is not my mother tongue.**

**- Nelopee  
**

* * *

_Regrets collect like old friends __Here to relive your darkest moments __**I can see no way, I can see no way **__And all of the ghouls come out to play __And every demon wants his pound of flesh __But I like to keep some things to myself __I like to keep my issues drawn __**It's always darkest before the dawn **__And I've been a fool and I've been blind __**I can never leave the past behind **__I can see no way, I can see no way __I'm always dragging that horse around __And our love is pastured such a mournful sound __Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground __**So I like to keep my issues drawn** __But it's always darkest before the dawn __Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah __Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah __And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back __So shake him off, oh woah __And I am done with my graceless heart __**So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart **__Cause I like to keep my issues strong __It's always darkest before the dawn __(...) __And given half the chance would I take any of it back __It's a final mess but it's left me so empty __It's always darkest before the dawn __And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't __So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road __**And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope** __It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat __**Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me **__Looking for heaven, found the devil in me __Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me_

Florence and The Machine - Shake It Out

* * *

He felt the liquor burning his throat as he took another sip of his bottle of whiskey. Sitting in the herb next to a campfire, it was not the first time he was getting drunk, and it would not be the last. But tonight, he was in a dark mood. And he needed alcohol more than anything.

He just wanted to take away the memories. The pain. The sadness. He just wanted to forget it all. Everything would be so easy if he didn't have to remember the cheerful past. Before the war, when he had a wife and a son. It seemed like it was in another lifetime, yet it was so sensitive...

He came to Hell on Wheels only for one reason: revenge. His ultimate goal was to kill each one of these fucking Yankees who raped and murdered his Mary. He had both succeeded and failed at his task. One stayed alive he didn't know where. And he had killed the wrong man. Murdered him. He had put his hands around the neck of the guy, and he had held tight, until he could not breathe. He was no better the others.

And now the sentences of the Swede kept turning in his mind over and over. Did he had enjoyed it? Surely. Did he was satisfied afterwards? No. Pain, sadness. He could still felt it deep inside.

Did he still have a heart? Apparently, yes. A woman reminded him that he had one when he thought he had lost it forever, broken and torn in pieces in the mud of that shitty town.

_The Fair-Haired Maiden of the West_.

She came in his life like a wrecking ball. She had woke up the good man who was well-hidden in him. He didn't expected it for a dollar. She had infiltrated his brain with her sweet voice and delicate figure, but had returned his stomach with her deep blue eyes and her firm hands.

Always so determined in her choices and acts. She truly fought for what she aimed at. Even when she decided to share the bed of Thomas Durant. For the good of the railroad, yeah. God. He was getting ill at the thought.

It was weird to say, but he kind of liked working at the railroad. He enjoyed to lead the men, pushed them to give the best of themselves. He was glad when another piece of it was built. At least, it occupied his mind and his hands. A better activity than stealing money or killing.

He already had escaped once, but the fate had obliged him to come back to the start. Now the Doc was dead. Durant stayed half dead in Chicago. The Swede would be dead soon. Elam could make his way easily without him. He knew how to use a gun correctly now, thanks to him by the way.

He could leave this place anytime. He was free to go far away, to Mexico for example, like they had planned with the Rebels to do so. Start all over again was tempting. No one linked him to this place... No one, excepted her.

_The only thing he had at the moment was the railroad and Lily Bell._

He looked at his horse all prepared to go. Was he going to mount it? Had he the envy?

Suddenly, through the smoke of his cigarette, he glimpsed a form coming to him. Ready to take his gun, he calmed down when he recognized the familiar blonde hair. Speak of the devil and he appears...

"Not sleeping already, ma'am?"

She sat besides him, not caring if she trashed her dress or not.

"I can't."

"Worrying for Durant's health sate, huh?"

She looked at him in silent, then said:

"Worrying for the railroad's future, yeah."

"It will be finished with or without him.", he assured, taking another sip of whiskey.

"But I'm not sure if it could be finished without _you_."

He spat, his head down.

"I have seen your belongings ready to travel.", she continued, pointing out his horse. "I thought you were a little more faithful to this railroad, after all you have did to help building it!"

Her voice was harsh with bitterness.

"You can't blame me for that, I am not involved in this project as much as you are.", he replied.

He refrained himself from saying what he really thought about her relationship with Durant but she had understood.

"We can't rely on you, Mr Bohannon. There would always be a time where you would run away in front of a big impediment.", she yelled, her voice shaking.

She turned her back and started to walk away from him. He felt miserable.

"Wait, Lily!", he called.

She stopped and he came to her. In spite of the whiskey blurring his movements, he could still see her face perfectly clear. Her shining beauty, on the outside and on the inside.

"I stay, okay? I will stay..."

He was sincere. Hesitantly, she smiled. She touched his face slightly with her right hand. It was warm and it felt nice.

"Fine.", she said.

The second after, her lips was on his.

He apologized to Mary in his head. He couldn't broke the embrace, even if he wanted to. He felt it was not a bad thing, nor a mistake. It couldn't be.

Lily was the only person who was able to understood him, more than anyone else. It was very simple: she had also lost her husband. She had memories which haunted her with pain and sadness too.

Their bodies united, it was right. And so good. It had really been a long time since he had lost control in a woman's arm.

She gave him hope in this hopeless place. As long as she was near him, he had strength to work, to live... to love. She was his light here. He didn't know how much time it would last, so he decided to appreciate every moment the most he could.

The only thing he knew was that he didn't want to lose her.


End file.
